Dave Barry Learns Everything You Need to Know About Being a Husband From Reading 50 Shades of Grey

You need to have an honest, no-holds-barred conversation about sex with the special woman in your life — provided you're a superhot billionaire who can move without being seen

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Illustration by Leah Goren for TIME

So I read Fifty Shades of Grey. This is the book written by female British author “E. L. James” that became a huge bestseller, devoured by pretty much every woman on Earth except my wife (or so she claims).

I think I might be the only man who read this book. I did it sneakily, hiding the cover, especially when I was on an airplane, which actually is a good place to read this book because you have access to a barf bag. I say this because of the writing style, which is . . . OK, here’s one tiny sample of the writing style:

“Did you give him our address?”
“No, but stalking is one of his specialties,” I muse matter-of-factly.
Kate’s brow knits further.

That’s right: This is the kind of a book where, instead of saying things, characters muse them, and they are somehow able to muse them matter-of-factly. And these matter-of-fact musings cause other characters’ brows—which of course were already knitted—to knit still further. The book is over five hundred pages long and the whole thing is written like that. If Jane Austen (another bestselling female British author) came back to life and read this book, she would kill herself.

So why did I read it? I read it because, as a man with decades of experience in the field of not knowing what the hell women are thinking, I was hoping this book would give me some answers. Because a lot of women LOVED this book. And they didn’t just read it; they responded to it by developing erotic feelings—feelings so powerful that in some cases they wanted to have sex with their own husbands.

I know that sounds like crazy talk, but I have firsthand confirmation of this phenomenon from my friend Ron, who is married to my wife’s cousin Sonia, a woman. Ron states: “While Sonia was reading the book, I was getting more action than Wilt Chamberlain.”

Another friend of mine whose name I will keep confidential out of respect for his privacy[*] told me, “I’d be lying on the bed watching SportsCenter, and she’d be reading that book and suddenly, WHOA.”

So what kind of book is Fifty Shades of Grey? I would describe it, literary genre–wise, as “a porno book.” But it’s not the kind of porno men are accustomed to. When a man reads porno, he does not want to get bogged down in a bunch of unimportant details about the characters, such as who they are or what they think. A man wants to get right to the porno:

Chapter One
Bart Pronghammer walked into the hotel room and knitted his brow at the sight of a naked woman with breasts like regulation volleyballs.
“Let’s have sex,” she mused matter-of-factly.

A few paragraphs later they’re all done, and the male reader, having invested maybe ninety seconds of his time, can put the book down and go back to watching SportsCenter.

Apparently that is not what women want, porno-wise. What women want, to judge from Fifty Shades of Grey, is not just people doing It. Many pages go by in this book without any of It getting done, although there is a great deal of thinking and talking about It. The thoughts are provided by the narrator and main character, Anastasia Steele, who is a twenty-one-year-old American woman as well as such a clueless, self-absorbed ninny that you, the reader, find yourself wishing that you still smoked so you would have a cigarette lighter handy and thus could set fire to certain pages, especially the ones where Anastasia is telling you about her “inner goddess.” This is a hyperactive imaginary being—I keep picturing Tinker Bell—who reacts in a variety of ways to the many dramatic developments in Anastasia’s life, as we see in these actual quotes:

“My inner goddess is swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm.”
“My very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba.”
“My inner goddess is doing the Dance of Seven Veils.”
“My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”
“My inner goddess has stopped dancing and is staring, too, mouth open and drooling slightly.”
“My inner goddess jumps up and down, with cheerleading pom-poms, shouting ‘Yes’ at me.”
“My inner goddess is doing backflips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast.”
“My inner goddess pole-vaults over the fifteen-foot bar.”
“My inner goddess fist-pumps the air above her chaise longue.”

That’s right: Her inner goddess, in addition to dancing, cheerleading, pole vaulting, etc., apparently keeps furniture inside Anastasia’s head. Unfortunately, this means there is little room left for Anastasia’s brain, which, to judge from her thought process, is about the size of a walnut. On the other hand, Anastasia is physically very attractive, although she never seems to figure this out despite the fact that all the other characters keep telling her, over and over, how darned attractive she is.

As the book begins, Anastasia has somehow managed to complete four years of college, during which time she has had—despite being so physically attractive—no romantic involvement of any kind with anybody. In fact, she’s still a virgin. Also, she does not own a computer nor does she know how to operate one. She has no e-mail account, and seems to be only dimly aware of how the Internet works. At one point she says, quote: “Holy cow! I’m on Google!”

That’s right, Anastasia uses the expression “Holy Cow!” Also, when she gets upset (which is often) she says: “Crap!” When she gets really upset, she says: “Double crap!”

In short, Anastasia is a totally believable and realistic depiction of a normal twenty-one-year-old female American college student as she might be imagined by a middle-aged female British author who has lived her entire life in a cave on another planet.

So anyway, early in the book Anastasia meets the main male character, Christian Grey. He is average-looking.

Hah! I am of course joking. He is the handsomest man in the history of men. Lest we forget this crucial fact, Anastasia remarks on Christian’s handsomeness at least once every two pages. Her inner goddess repeatedly s—s her tiny imaginary leotard over the hotness of this man.

To add to the stark realism of his character, Christian is also, at age twenty-seven, a self-made billionaire. He started a company called, realistically, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc., which employs thousands of people engaged in the field of doing some kind of vague business things in accordance with businessy-sounding orders given by Christian over his mobile phone as he stands around in various stylish settings with his worn but stylish jeans hanging loosely off his hips looking unbelievably hot. Christian also is an expert dancer, piano player and glider pilot. Plus he has the ability to read minds and move so fast you can’t even see him.

No, sorry, that’s Edward from Twilight.

So anyway, Anastasia and Christian meet, and he is of course attracted to her, although because of her walnut brain she can’t believe this despite the fact that, as I have already noted, every freaking person she meets is attracted to her. Christian starts stalking her and pressuring her to engage in—and I do not mean this to sound in any way judgmental—sicko pervert sex. He wants to tie her up with ropes, handcuffs, shackles, tape, etc. He wants to blindfold and gag her. He wants to spank her, whip her, flog her, cane her, paddle her, put nipple and genital clamps on her, bite her and use hot wax on her. We know this because he asks her to sign a contract agreeing to let him do these things to her. Yes! To be fair, the contract clearly states that there will be “no acts involving fire play . . . urination or defecation and the products thereof” and “no acts involving children or animals.” Because that’s the kind of old-fashioned cornball romantic Christian is.

What do you think Anastasia does when she sees this contract? Do you think she gets herself a restraining order and an industrial-sized drum of pepper spray, which would be the response of a normal sane woman or reasonably intelligent cocker spaniel? Not our Anastasia! Crap no! She decides to go right ahead and get into a sexual relationship with Christian even though she thinks he is a moody weirdo pervert. (But hot!)

In this relationship, Anastasia keeps trying to get Christian to be a regular huggy-kissy-smoochy boyfriend, but he doesn’t want to do that. In fact, he doesn’t even want her to touch him because he has a Dark Secret in his past. What he wants to do, and keeps trying to get Anastasia to let him do, is tie her up and flog her with various implements, as per the contract. She doesn’t want that, but she keeps seeing Christian anyway because she finds him so darned fascinating, in the sense of hot.

So the plot is: They have sex, she wants to smooch, he wants to flog, there’s a bunch of talking about this, they have sex again, she again wants to smooch, he again wants to flog, there’s a bunch more talking about this, and so on for several hundred word-filled pages.

Finally, Anastasia decides to let Christian flog her, to see what it would be like. So he takes a belt and flogs her on the butt. Then, in the dramatic climax to the story, the moment we have been building up to, Anastasia comes to a shocking, life-changing realization, which nobody could have foreseen in a million years: Getting flogged on the butt hurts. Yes! It’s painful! Anastasia does not like it! Double crap!!

So she breaks up with him.

And then . . .

And then the book is over.

I’m serious. That’s the plot.

There are two more books in this series, titled “Fifty Shades Darker” and “The Third Fifty Shades Book That Was Required to Make It a Trilogy.” I assume these books bring these two lovebirds back together, as well as revealing the Dark Secret in Christian’s past. I don’t know because I haven’t read them, although I fully intend to do so in the future if the only alternative is crucifixion.

But never mind the other two books. The first book was the big one, the one tens of millions of women could not put down. So to get back to my original question, from the standpoint of a guy sincerely trying to understand women: Why was this book so incredibly popular? When so many women get so emotionally involved in a badly written, comically unrealistic porno yarn, what does this tell us? That women are basically insane? Yes.

I mean no! No. Of course it does not tell us that. What it tells us is this: Women are interested in sex.

This may be obvious to women, but, trust me, it is not obvious to men. In fact, it is contrary to everything men are led to believe, dating back to puberty. When a young man goes through puberty, he basically turns into a walking boner. He would happily have sex with any receptive female or room-temperature vegetable.[†] He thinks about having sex all the time, but the only person he knows who wants to have sex with him is himself. He would be very interested in having sex with an actual human female, but he has no earthly idea how to accomplish this. Generally he spends years in this frustrating state before he manages to find a woman willing to have sex with him. Some males become so desperate that they resort to paying for sex, or even running for Congress.

As a result of these experiences, men come to believe—and this belief is reinforced throughout their dating lives as they get shot down more often than the Egyptian Air Force—that women are nowhere near as interested in sex as they are; that women are capable, somehow, of not thinking about sex for entire minutes at a time.

So men exist in a state of perpetual confusion about when, exactly, human females are receptive to the idea of having sex. Men wish that women had some kind of clear signaling mechanism, as is found in other species. Dogs, for example. Years ago I had a female German shepherd puppy named Shawna. For the first few months of her existence, she exhibited no interest whatsoever in having sex with male dogs, and the male dogs in the neighborhood exhibited no particular interest in her.

And then one spring day, BAM, Shawna became a woman. To get the word out, she turned into a 50,000-watt AM hormone transmitter, broadcasting a scent that traveled vast distances at the speed of lust. Horny male dogs were showing up from as far away as New Zealand. The house was surrounded, day and night. You didn’t dare to open the door for fear that a furry canine sex missile would burst past you and commence humping. There were no misunderstandings between the genders; nobody was being subtle. The male dogs were, like, “I gather from the odor you are emitting that you are receptive to having sex with a male!” And Shawna was, like, “That is correct! I very much desire to be mounted from the rear ‘doggie-style’ and I do not care by whom!”

This went on for several tense days. And then, BAM, Shawna was over it. She stopped broadcasting and the males disappeared, and shortly thereafter Shawna was fixed and she never heard from the male dogs again, not even a postcard.

Unfortunately, human sexuality does not work this way, except on Jersey Shore. Human females are less obvious, which means human males must be able to pick up subtle cues, and unfortunately we are terrible at this. So we tend to assume that women just aren’t that interested.

This is why the immense popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey is actually great news for men. It’s a signal from the female gender—not unlike the one broadcast by Shawna—transmitting an exciting and encouraging message to men everywhere: “We are interested in sex! We’re just not interested in sex with you unless you’re a superhot billionaire.”

OK, so this is not a totally positive message for us men. But we can work with it! We can interpret it to mean that women would like their sex lives to be more interesting. Maybe they wish that we would be more  obsessive and stalkerish. Maybe they even secretly fantasize about engaging in unconventional, even “kinky,” sexual activities. There is only one way to find out, men: You need to have an honest, “no holds barred” conversation about sex with the special woman in your life. I did this with my wife, and as difficult as this was for me, I’m glad I did because it was very revealing. Here’s the complete transcript:

Me: Hey, do you secretly want me to tie you up and flog you?

My wife: No.

Yes, communication is the key to a successful relationship. That, and not peeing in the shower. That’s pretty much all the advice I have for you men. In a word: Be sensitive. And now, if you’ll excuse me, my inner god needs to turn on the TV and watch huge men knock each other down.

Excerpted from “You Can Date Boys When You’re Forty: Dave Barry on Parenting and Other Topics He Knows Very Little About,” to be published by G.P. Putnam’s Sons, a member of Penguin Group (USA), on March 4.

75 comments
Louise1956
Louise1956

Funny article. But why would you expect women's porn to be any more realistic than men's? both deal with fantasy. And a lot of women fantasise about handsome, powerful, rich men. they are popular in non pornographic books as well. Why do you think jane Austen's Mr Darcy is so beloved?

ChristainBenedict
ChristainBenedict

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MedusaJordan
MedusaJordan

I do not know ANY woman has read this and can only assume that anyone who does read it is not fussy about good writing, and has a somewhat warped idea of what is an expression of total devotion.


Also, Ana and Grey are supposedly 21 & 27,but it is clear that if there was any reality expressed in this book they would be 13 & 50.

NicoletteGood
NicoletteGood

This was very funny. It's also funny that he starts by pointing out how men's version of porn is so different from women's, but all his points are about how unrealistic and unbelievable this book (porn for women) is. Because porn for men is so realistic and believable.   o.O

OhReallyYeah
OhReallyYeah

Lol my opinion on Fifty Shades would appall most of my female counterparts. I can't stand the book, the main characters are annoying, insipid,  and obtuse. NOBODY can be that dense, it should be against the law. It is completely unrealistic and irritating. He's the definition of an abuser when she basically tells him to stop and he doesn't. That's not adoration. She's the definition of a victim when she goes back to him thinking he'll change. 

ObeyTheGrey
ObeyTheGrey

I’m definitely a fan of your work but as a woman who’s read and loves the series, I must comment:

1. “But never mind the other two books.”

HUGE mistake! Books 2 & 3 are where the actual story takes place!!   Books 2 & 3 are what the women devour and hold dear.  Book 1 more or less sets the plot.  If it’s actually statistically the better seller, it’s only because of initial interest in the hype that didn’t carry past that 1st book…. But if you want to know the “what” and, more importantly, the “WHY” women loved the story of Christian and Anastasia, you must read the trilogy.   It’s a journey of transformation and love… it makes women cry (go ahead, make jokes), it makes us laugh and yes – it even makes us… amorous.  Poorly written in a literary sense it may be, but a story that makes you FEEL… well isn’t that what ANY book is supposed to do? 

2. “Why was this book so incredibly popular? When so many women get so emotionally involved in a badly written, comically unrealistic porno yarn, what does this tell us? … What it tells us is this: Women are interested in sex.

You’re half right.  What it tells you is women are interested in sex (even the kinky stuff men like) WHEN THE MAN ADORES HER AND SHOWS IT (I refer you back to books 2 & 3).  Christian turns a somewhat insecure woman (which most of us are on at least some level – particularly when it comes to our bodies and sex) and makes her feel confident and beautiful – powerful, even.  Everything he does, he does for her.  Unrealistic, you may say, but let’s remember this is a work of fiction.  Men get lost in Fantasy novels with wizards and dragons…why can’t women get lost in a book where the hero worships and adores her?

In turn, Ana helps Christian with his desperate desire to be ‘good’.  He feels something akin to a monster from his past, unworthy of someone as innocent and pure as Ana (not a first of course, but once he starts to have real feelings for her, he’s highly aware of his inner demons).  His journey from ‘darkness to light’ is beautiful to watch.  I know it’s an unusual subject matter in which to explore this transformation but it’s certainly different.  

Men wishing women were “more like dogs” is exactly why they struggle so hard in their sexual relationships.  But hey, women wish men were more like Christian Grey so I guess you’re entitled to your fantasy too.



Dr.music
Dr.music

Superb !!!!...the review that is ...

vivwolsk
vivwolsk

Very funny article altho I must confess I actually listened to all 3 books in spite of the poor writing. But here's some info I thought I'd share on the use of words "porn" vs "porno"

The difference is slight but real. Since these words are more often heard than read, I'll have to give you the benefit of my own experience of having heard the terms used in speech.

Porn can refer to pornography in the aggregate or as a mass noun to cover multiple instances of pornographic media. Porno usually refers to a single instance of a pornographic film or publication.

Because parts of speech in English are mutable, nouns can be used as adjectives, verbs as nouns, nouns as verbs, etc. So you could talk about "a porno" or "a porno film" or "a porn film" or "porn films" or "some porn" or — well, you get the idea.

ausrine_k
ausrine_k

I got this book as a present < thanks for those women who liked it.. : |  > and changed it to a french dictionary without reading it.. it says you can't judge book from the cover, but this one.. i read annotation and said - i will not waste my time for such "DOUBLE CRAP".


animaloo
animaloo

my inner god finds this amusing 

Brooklyn__Ann
Brooklyn__Ann

Excellent review and you have my admiration for suffering through that dreadful tome. I couldn't make it past page 3. This article made me laugh, but it also kinda made me want to cry because THIS is the book that made men realize that women like sex? Not the countless other, and often better written romance novels that have been a bookshelf staple for the last 4 decades? I can see why you would be scared to venture into something that depicts Fabio dry-humping some hapless damsel on the cover, but still.... you would have come to this realization with far less intellectual pain. Those have editors.

cryptowomen
cryptowomen

Hey Dave, that (your article) was the best writing I've seen in a while!  Love it!

alissajean
alissajean

Dave Barry = On point and entertaining as always! I'd be interested to read a review of the upcoming film based on this book...

AshleyiSee
AshleyiSee

Hi Dave!

   I just wanted to let you know that you were right...Christian Grey is Edward Cullen from Twilight! 50 Shades is fanfiction based off of Twilight (hence why it's set in Seattle, and why there are multiple books -it's all the same when you read them side by side.) E. L. James' writing group didn't like the fact that she was having Edward and Bella in such sexual situations (now this is of course due to the Twilight author being a mormon, it's why Edward won't have sex with Bella before marriage) and suggested she change the names = 50 Shades of Grey! 


Your analysis of the book is fantastic! It's nice to read something full of humor where humor is due!

frigger611
frigger611

I don't get what's so wrong about peeing in the shower.

liborkriz
liborkriz

Really nice article! It is in my The Digest #11 now flip.it/Yvqns – thank you!

ladycygnet
ladycygnet

The Fifty Shades trilogy made me want to give up on writing altogether.  How something so poorly written and poorly edited could become a bestseller is beyond me.  The writing was different but more tolerable than Twilight--I could only slog through the first few chapters before giving up altogether.  I guess other people can deal with reading about whiny, unsympathetic heroines, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  

KristenT
KristenT

Dave Barry at his best. LOVE this (so says a female who also hated that poorly written disaster called 50 Shades of I Want to Poke My Eyes Out with a High Heel). 

Can't wait to read Dave's new book.

SalXF
SalXF

This is brilliant and pretty much sums up my feelings on that AWFUL BOOK OF WHICH I WILL NEVER READ EVEN THOUGH I AM A WOMAN and would love to have sex with a really hot guy.  However, for the sake of my marriage I will save that for my husband. I have to confess that at the urging of a friend I did try to read it but kept getting distracted by wishing I was on a plane with a barf bag handy. The writing was so bad I had to knit my eyebrows together in mused-perplexion and matter-of-factly let my inner goddess whip my sorry butt for even thinking of picking up this book and opening the cover to look at the words. Thank you for a highly entertaining commentary!

AttyFAM
AttyFAM

This is the funniest commentary I have read on a book since 10th Grade when I literally rolled on the floor of the school library while reading Mark Twain's "Fenimore Cooper's Literary Mistakes". 

DarkAngelWriter
DarkAngelWriter

Lol. I really enjoyed reading this blog. I'm a female and hated how it was written. I had to reread some parts to understand what the hell she was writing.  I wanted to smack the female character in the story so many times because she was annoying. These characters are based from the Twilight characters if you didn't take notice of the same features and personalities. After reading the books, it made me want to publish my own stories where the characters aren't like this such as the female actually has a brain. 

AmbiliNair
AmbiliNair

hahahaha Dave You have really convinced me to not read this book! :D :D but im definitely going to start reading your novels from now on!! 

BabuG.Ranganathan
BabuG.Ranganathan

WILL CHRISTIANS ENJOY SEX IN HEAVEN?

Babu G. Ranganathan

Will there be sexual relations in heaven? Some say “No” because Jesus says in Matthew 22:30 that we will be like the angels. But, in the context of what Jesus was talking about in Matthew 22:30, what Jesus meant is that we will be like the angels in that there will be no marriage in heaven. 

A question was given to Jesus concerning a woman who had several husbands in her lifetime (each husband having died and the woman outliving them all). The question given to Jesus was who will be the woman’s husband at the resurrection since she had several husbands. Jesus responded by saying that, like the angels, there won’t be marriage in heaven. That doesn’t mean there won’t be sexual relationships in heaven. Marriage is required for sex only in this life. Heaven is another issue. 

We won’t be like angels in every other way. For example, Scripture says that believers (Christians) in their next life, in their resurrected (immortal bodies), will enjoy food and drink, even though eating and drinking won’t be necessary anymore, but believers in glory will still be able to enjoy those and other pleasures. After His resurrection, Jesus Himself ate and drank with the disciples. Jesus said that in the future Kingdom He would enjoy wine with His disciples again. Angels, on the other hand, are strictly spirit beings and don’t consume food or drink. 

How can God allow sexual relations in heaven without marriage? In heaven there’s no need for anyone to belong exclusively to another because there will be no building of families as marriage involves. Scripture teaches that marriage is a unique test and picture of faithfulness, but in heaven no such test is necessary for only the faithful will be there. 

There is no logical reason for why there won’t be sex in heaven. If other bodily enjoyments like eating and drinking will be there then, most certainly, it is reasonable to expect that there will be sexual enjoyment also. Sex in heaven will be driven spiritually and by perfect love. 

Human sexuality is so powerful because it is not only for reproduction. It involves intercourse of spirit and soul, as well as body. The Song of Solomon in the Bible is filled with sexual imagery. Human sexuality has meaning beyond marriage and having children. Seniors have sex beyond childbearing years! Animals only have sex during mating season and only for reproductive purposes. Animals don’t have sex all the time, but humans do. 

The Bible teaches that there will be both spiritual and bodily enjoyment in heaven. Psalm 16:11 tells us that in God’s presence there will be fullness of joy (this is spiritual) and at His right hand there will be pleasures (plural) forevermore (pleasure is something experienced physically). In fact, various passages in Scripture imply that for believers all human faculties (spirit, mind, and body) will be actively engaged and fulfilled throughout eternity. Eternity won’t be boring!

There are some good books and articles on sexuality and heaven written by Christian scholars. 

Because Jesus Christ, God’s eternal and only begotten Son, paid the penalty for sin, on our behalf, that we can never fully pay, and rose from the dead, the Bible says that through genuine faith in Christ we can be forgiven of our sins and perfectly enjoy God’s presence and everything He has for us in heaven. The Bible says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life” (John 3:16, KJV). 

Just as a co-signer to a loan takes the responsibility to pay someone’s else’s debt should the loan go into default so too Christ took the legal and moral responsibility of paying the debt for mankind’s sins. Because Jesus Christ paid the penalty for our sins, God can be just in forgiving us our sins when we put our trust in Christ as Lord and Savior. 

Love and follow God first, and some day everything and all enjoyment, physical as well as spiritual, will be yours for eternity, my friend. “No good thing will (God) withhold from them that walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11). 

The author, Babu G. Ranganathan, of Boyertown, has his bachelor’s degree with concentrations in theology and biology, and has been recognized for his writings on religion and science in the 24th edition of Marquis “Who’s Who In The East.”

shyama
shyama

Hahaha!! This is hilarious, but yeah, there is a certain fascination associated with that book. I have read it, and its a fun read, like a guilty addiction, like those bad songs we listen to on radio simply cuz we find it funny! If you are looking to take away something from that book, naaah, there isnt anything!

ShakuSel
ShakuSel

Dear Dave, I laughed. I cried. I mused after reading your attempt to dissect the book. I have to admit that I read Book 1. Blame it on curiosity. Then my inner goddess slapped me hard and told me to stop feeding her drivel. 

I, too would rather crucify myself than read Books 2 and 3. 



OanaAnghel
OanaAnghel

Look... Not to defend „50 Shades” or anything, but since you're wondering... This book is poorly written, with a weak plot and lots of sex scenes. But it's not the sex that women sought when they read this (well, maybe at the beginning it was so, but not by the end).


In my opinion, what women desperately wanted was to see the simple girl, full of complexes, get the insanely wealthy, extremely handsome and incredibly romantic man. They were cheering when that man gave up his lifestyle because SHE was so much more important. They were also cheering when he confided in HER and her alone - when he opened up.


Women aren't that hard to figure out. They are quite simple actually (and this is coming from a woman). They can do without the handsome (which, btw is just a matter of opinion) and without the wealthy. What they can never live without is romance.

caincreative
caincreative

Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave! This essay totally flogged me! (As usual.) Don't stop! Ever!!

jackmorpher
jackmorpher

I first discovered Dave Barry by accident reading some obscure newspaper in a gas station somewhere in america while waiting for a tire change or something

and he was the funniest most absurd magnificent writer in human history and how had I not known him before, omnivorous reader that I am ten or twenty e-newspapers a day - i knew i was deprived

-

over the decades, I have met many women who enjoy restraints, being controlled, being forced,  subservient, within the constraints of 'the safe word' (and men also of course), always astonishing at first, when women bring ties and straps to THEIR bed when I am visiting, unsolicited

there are entire erotica ('porn') websites devoted to obviously consensual and enjoyable such alternate non-advertised sexuality and sex-shops filled with mechanical assists

and yes some men don't have a clue, many, and there is no such thing as 'what do women want' b/c there might be 'what do 150m differed American women want - -150m shades of grey and other rainbows' (ignoring age); and when we guess wrong we are slammed for it, it is often not b/c we guessed wrong but b/c we guessed period

- -
and there are those of the Y-chromosome persuasion who can decode !!!!
although imho the hormonal signals of Dave's bi* um dog are just as broadcast in human terms but only some of us have the male dog-nose to know,

- - -


and despite a few thousand years of contrary socialization, women do hunk-hunt as much as men p****y prowl

I tried FSOG, having met as I say the subs, from sub-space-web-sites etc , and found her insipidly insufferable anti-erotic whiny weak women are NOT erotic;  and the eroticism as it were was so banal and bland as to send me back in sanity-searching to xvideos.com or pornhub.com etc where one can key-word an infinitude of search tags - just remember to clear your cache/ browser before NSA reads your memory and most browsers have a capability to do just that, clear cache/ memory, after the fact, or in real time  including 'private session' or some such - ccleaner.com for a sample  standalone utility

Some of us geezers might remember 'story of O' which was a fave of a lady I was living with and I was the beneficiary of her arousal, her fantasy not mine, hey ...





LynnRobb
LynnRobb

I'm sure Dave would be ecstatic--a word greatly overused in sexually provocative literature--to know the most popular genre with women is the Romance Novel.  They are not called bodice rippers for no reason.  The only difference between "The Duke's Obsession" and "50 Shades of Lust" is that by editorial fiat the romances have to have a happy ending and sex must show up in increasingly intense increments about every 50 pages.  Oh, and the protagonists always wind up married at the end. Why marriage equates to "happy ending" is anyone's guess in this day and age.


I am as guilty as the next woman when it comes to reading these intellectual candy bars.  So do most of my friends.  Provided your husband/significant other at least feels sort of like "The Duke" with your eyes closed--as in doesn't have a beer gut--two generations of men can thank authors with names like "Annalise Lightminde" for doing more to improve middle aged sex than all the marriage counselors put together.


Unfortunately most of our men have not, and wouldn't in a million years, be caught dead reading something with a long haired hunk sans shirt and a touselled blonde with skirts rucked up to her waist on the cover.  Not to mention, most guys are far less adventurous in some respects than women.


As a dear friend once told me when she suggested re-creating the last scene of "Seducing the Rake" her husband was flat out turned off.  "Why would I want to do that?  It smells like three day old fish down there."

RLinAZ
RLinAZ

Never read the book.  


I threw away the 1 Jackie Collins novel I have ever purchased after reading the first 100 pages on a short flight from Phoenix to LA.  It was so poorly written and so obviously commercially produced that I not only resented Jackie Collins for writing it, I actually disliked her sister Joan, by proxy, as well for years.  I never throw books out, I donate them, but decided it was unfair to humankind to allow that piece of rubbish to be foisted upon another.


I love Dave Barry and appreciate he has confirmed for me that my instincts NOT to read any of the Gray books was spot on and for letting me know I saved myself a little $$$ and the need to bleach my eyes.

piedbeauty37
piedbeauty37

I am one female who hasn't read the book.  I tried and found it incredibly boring, the heroine incredibly boring, and the hero, so unrealistic and yes, incredibly boring.    Now I know what I was missing.   Thanks Dave.

ShubhankarChakravorty
ShubhankarChakravorty

OK it's proven: It's a BAAAD idea to read this piece sitting in office, people tend to gather behind you! :/ 


ALL HAIL Dave Barry ! ! !

cyvaris
cyvaris

@ObeyTheGrey  Can you cite from the text to support your analysis that Christian Grey "adores her and shows it"? Also, I would like citation on the "everything he does, he does for her" as well. 

SavvyOne
SavvyOne

@AshleyiSee You're saying this person had a writing group??

I read the first half of the first chapter of this and was so disgusted by the writing style I couldn't force myself to stick around to get disgusted by the sex.

I assumed this was written directly online on a Twilight fan-fic page, then self-published with no prior editing or feedback whatsoever. I really sympathize with the other writers in the group who had to groan thrpugh readings of this, find ways to not say our loud it's complete trash, then see the writer make millions and get a movie deal. That must be hell.

WilliamE.Vann
WilliamE.Vann

@ladycygnet  Almost every book seems to be poorly edited now a days. I have started to believe that there is no such things as editors anymore. I have books I like to read and I find that across all the authors and all of their books (save some older and oddly mostly male writers (ie dean koontz, steven king, F. paul wilson) have huge editing issues.and prints have gone down hill also (I often see the same line or even whole paragraphs repeated back to back).    

StephenDedalus
StephenDedalus

@OanaAnghel Except, of course, this book isn't about the romance. It's absolutely about the handsomeness and the billions and the kinky sex. Take these elements away and no one would read it for the "romance".



WilliamE.Vann
WilliamE.Vann

@jackmorpher  I do my rounds in the alt/kink circles at times and you are not the first to say that the eroticism as it were was so banal and bland/1 dimensional.  

WilliamE.Vann
WilliamE.Vann

@LynnRobb  As a male that has read more then one Romance Novel over the years I know quit well why they are called "bodice rippers"..lol. My biggest problem is that what seems to turn women on the most (other then the hotness/power/money) about the male leads is things that seem to not turn them on (often even turns them off) in real life. Which leads me to believe it is more about the money/power/hotness that allows women to find the rest a turn on. like a primer/fuse and with out it there seems to be no explosion.  

StephenDedalus
StephenDedalus

@LynnRobb "It smells like three day old fish down there." Personal hygiene can also be erotic in its own way....



Zornorph
Zornorph

@RLinAZ I'm so dumb, I never knew Jackie was Joan's sister. Never read any of her book, either, though I did see Empire Of The Ants.