Who’s To Blame

For everything. A handy guide

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Photo-Illustration by Alexander Ho for TIME; Getty Images (2)

It’s the fun game everybody’s playing!

Today on “Who’s to Blame?” we tackle some of our nation’s most intractable problems by just knowing who’s responsible and angrily gesticulating in their direction. Please hold your righteous applause until the end.

Problem: The Crap Economy
To Blame: The Poor, for talking back to The Rich, causing them to fret about where their next million is coming from and to stash their money in overseas diamond mines rather than waste it on giveaways to the poor, like paychecks. Also for refusing to become rich themselves so everybody could be rich and have nothing to complain about but their stupid kids.

Problem: Our Stupid Kids
To Blame: Teachers, for not teaching them whatever it is they’re supposed to be teaching them, while expecting to be paid as if it’s a real job. Also, Michelle Obama, for interrupting school lessons in order to brainwash our stupid kids into not getting fat, when it’s their national birthright.

Problem: The National Fatness
To Blame: Illegal Immigrants, for keeping food prices irresistibly low, and also for taking all the good fat-burning jobs.

Problem: Endless, Unwinnable War
To Blame: Old Folks, whose global ass-kicking last century made us think we were invincible, resulting in the continuous spraying of blood and treasure across the planet in an inefficient effort to kill Hitlers who, when beheaded, sprout eight new Hitlers, not like in those great old movies, back when we knew how to make them.

Problem: Not-So-Great New Movies
To Blame: Pixar, for reminding us of what Hollywood was once capable, with the possible exception of Cars 2, which we haven’t seen because it has cars with eyeballs, a childhood nightmare we’d rather not revisit.

Problem: Our National Nightmare-Monger Rush Limbaugh
To Blame: God, because striking him deaf was a half-measure.

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Problem: The Decline of Civil Discourse
To Blame: Those Goddamn Gays, whose literate witticisms force real men to speak dim and brutishly in order to not be mistaken for fabulous.

Problem: Hurricanes, Tsunamis, Drought, Mugginess and Otherwise Unpleasant Weather Unexplainable By Anything Agreed Upon By Every Single Living Scientist, Including Guys Teaching Food Science at Community Colleges
To Blame: Al Gore, based on the universally accepted He-Who-Smelt-It principle.

Problem: The Republicans
To Blame: The Democrats.

(MORE: I’m Enraged, You’re Enraged)

Problem: Babies Having Babies
To Blame: Our Odd Attitude Toward Sex, exemplified by parents who insist their children never hear a whisper of contraception in school but who dress their 7-year-old daughters up like female celebrities dressed like transvestites. Just kidding. It’s the Gays.

Problem: Lindsay Lohan
To Blame: “Her Selfish, Opportunistic Parents Who Are Using Lindsay To Get the Attention THEY Crave,” according to Bonnie Fuller, the former US Weekly and Star magazine editor who is entirely blameless herself.

Well, that’s our two minutes for today! Until next time,  problems solved!