How To Fix Everything

Your purchase of an inexpensive paperback, on sale now, can fix the economy, end war and save the life of a child, or whatever

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Our poor world is hurting, clubbed by trouble upon trouble, losing blood and all out of Band-Aids. I gave this some thought over the weekend, and I believe I’ve arrived at the solution.

Buy my book.

Deliriously Happy, buyable today by clicking on the garish yellow rectangle to the right, is the key to solving all of our nation’s problems immediately and various international woes once the foreign rights have been worked out. The curative action of your non-refundable purchase is in some ways obvious and others wondrous.

Free Market Non-Obama Stimulus
My book is published by a company owned by the Capitalist Rupert Murdoch, so every copy you buy puts lucre into his silk pockets, mammon he will use to purchase the souls of America’s desperate and dispossessed, allowing them in turn to run out and purchase my book, the virtuous cycle complete. Whatever contractually trickles down to me will be reinvested in one of them new iPhones, thus increasing the value of my portfolio of Apple stock, a company which funnels some of its billions to millions of starving Third World subcontractors, leaving them merely hungry.

(MORE: Who To Blame. For Everything. A Handy Guide)

Anti-Socialized Medical Benefits
It’s an open medical question whether the poor really need health care or if old folks have gotten old enough, but there’s one thing upon which all sane doctors agree: Laughter is the Best Medicine. My book, as it happens, has been designated “hilarious” in all its marketing materials. For less than the price of Advil at the hospital, you can boost your immune system, improve your heart function, and surf the sweet endorphin waves without becoming an Oxyfiend like Rush Limbaugh. If my book prevents even one heart transplant it would save the system more than $100,000 and make the heart available to another needy recipient, likely an adorable child.

Our Troops Support
Buying my book for our 3 million boys and girls in uniform would greatly improve their esprit de corps and not in a gay way. Much as Bob Hope provided invaluable joke support to our troops, ensuring our victories in Korea and Vietnam, my book would give U.S. forces the endorphin edge they need to defeat the jihadists, who frankly don’t have a lot of humorous material to drawn upon.

Global De-Warming Effects
My book is made from 100% prerecycled paper, thus eliminating trees and their harmful CO2 emissions, a threat first identified more than 30 years ago by Ronald Reagan, the best person ever (excepting his tax policies, which in retrospect were Socialist). Buying this book in mass quantities will provide jobs for loggers and environmental lobbyists, preserving the delicate balance between the two.

(MORE: It’s Raining Babies)

And a Final, Extra Bonus Promise
If you, individually or collectively, buy millions of copies of my book, I vow to use my newfound fame and influence to sell even more books, of course, but also to take a stand against competing panaceas masquerading as populist but designed to benefit a select few, which also happens to be the topic of my next book, which you may care to pre-order today.