Giving Thanks, 2013 Edition

Come Thanksgiving two years hence, the unemployment rate will be near zero, taxes will be voluntary for some, and the Boss will still be on tour! Thank you!

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As the fourth Thursday of the eleventh month rolls around again, media custom demands that this space be given over to hoary reverie, the annual listicle of thanks giving, composed far in advance to allow the writer to spend the holidays at a local bar thinking about his family. I seem to have gotten especially ahead of myself and so will be running my beloved Thanks for All That™ column for November 28, 2013.

Let us give thanks for our .4% unemployment rate, brought about by the Vagrant Worker Act, authorizing the rounding up of tramps and hobos occupying public spaces and putting them to work in fields newly cleansed of illegality.

(MORE: Larry Doyle: Who’s to Blame. For Everything. A Handy Guide)

Thanks to George Lucas, for re-re-releasing the entire Star Wars dual trilogy in 3-D Tinglevision with extended Trade Federation debates, only whetting our appetite for more.

Thanks to the cessation of the federal food stamp and Aid to Families with Dependent Children programs, we’re finally beginning to make a dent in the national obesity epidemic.

Thanks to Bruce Springsteen for continuing his 300-city tour despite orthopedic difficulties and for refusing to back away from his controversial decision to replace Clarence Clemons with Kenny G.

Thanks for the 28th Amendment, defining life as beginning in the eye twinkle, which has proved to be a boon for the beleaguered travel industry although it has yet to make a dent in our national onanism epidemic.

Thanks to Warren Buffett, Bill Gates and the other billionaires who continue to pay taxes after no longer being required to do so.

Thanks to HBO, for finally moving to an all-nude format.

Thanks to the Supreme Court, for its unanimous decision affirming the line of presidential succession, ruling that even though President Mitt Romney was assassinated by an overzealous supporter of Vice President Michele Bachmann, the Constitution requires she become president, despite the fact that Romney only picked her to appease the Nut Wing of his party and no one seriously considered Romney might die, his being so tan and handsome.

(MORE: Larry Doyle: It’s Raining Babies)

And thanks to the CIA, which, at the direction of the new president, provided the offshore site for the Court to deliberate free from outside influence.

Thanks to Apple, Inc., for eventually releasing an update to their iPlant brainpod, fixing that annoying glitch that caused customers to rush out and get more iPlants.

Thanks to First Husband Marcus Bachmann, whose intensive reparative therapy sessions with our military forces has somehow resulted in an all-gay army, greatly improving morale.

Thanks to the judges and viewers of Dancing with the Stars, for voting out Newt Gingrich before he could really hurt himself.

And finally, on a personal note, heartfelt thanks to Brian, head counselor at my Deeducation Camp. I needed that.